Here’s something you didn’t learn in school: the narrative of your experiences is written by you. There’s good news and bad news.
The bad news – if you have a negative, victim-based narrative of how you’re feeling, that’s on you.
The good news – you have the ability to craft a different story of your experiences.
Let’s take the story of Katie.
Katie’s honeymoon period at the tech start-up she joined some few months prior had come to an abrupt end. The chaos, constant pushing to do more with less, late days, and not being able to fully disconnect on her weekends or days off was beginning to take its mental and physical toll.
Katie had already experienced burnout at a previous start-up and was beginning to see the signs of very early burnout (again!). Katie voiced her concern of the ever-growing demands put on her plate in addition to her own self-initiated projects that she considered part of her job to prepare her direct team for scaling in the next 6 months. When Katie raised this to her boss in an objective fashion and asked which new requests were the top priority, she was met with responses that were not helpful and implied that she needed to figure out how to handle/manage all of it.
Katie felt unsupported, overworked, underappreciated, and generally defeated. She began to dread each workday morning and fantasized about what a different job might be like. Every time she received a message from her boss, she got a bad feeling in her stomach and had an obvious physical reaction. That was because her boss rarely reached out to offer praise or help, it was often to ask for more.
Her gusto and ambition naturally declined. Katie began to settle into more early burnout symptoms.
Now, Katie could have continued down this path, which may have eventually eroded her mental and physical health more which is a disastrous cycle all of its own.
Instead, Katie decided she wanted to feel more empowered. What was within her control? The narrative of the experience and her reaction to it were the two things within her control in the context of continuing with her job.
Katie took some time to deeply think about her perspective of the situation. Her current lens was that too much was being asked of her and it was sucking the joy out of what she originally got so excited about when she took the position. She thought she was going to have a lot more autonomy and be able to create and implement a vision she had for the team for which she was accountable. Now, it seemed like it was a job where she needed to constantly jump and be redirected and pulled away from the items she was excited to work on that would provide a return to the company in the future.
With this, Katie recognized that she had made assumptions when she took the job. She learned next time, she needed to ask more pointed questions and also learn about how her future boss operates. Ah ha! A lesson had been learned. She felt a little better. Katie then mulled over the fact that her boss didn’t seem to hear her or care to help ensure extra tasks were aligned with solving a real problem versus a hypothetical solution to an uninvestigated problem. Katie didn’t mind the hard work, however she wanted to make sure it mattered and produced results.
Katie decided that ultimately, her boss was responsible for his own decisions and that if he wasn’t open to working with her in the way she had originally imagined, she needed to adjust to his working style. He wasn’t going to change. The only thing that could change was how Katie interacted with the situation.
Katie spent some time listing out some situations in the day-to-day that caused frustration. For each item, she wrote a new sentence to rephrase the situation to one that empowered her instead of frustrating her.
Her list looked something like this:
Everytime my boss messages me, I feel a bit on edge wondering what’s going to be asked of me next.
Everytime my boss sends me a message, I will be curious about what he needs my help with next.
Everytime my boss gives me another task, it feels like I can’t finish the ones that have already been given to me. It makes me feel like I’m a failure or not able to achieve what’s already been asked.
Everytime my boss gives me another task, I will recognize that I must be the best person for the job! He relies on me a lot. I see this as validation that I’m valuable to him and the organization.
Anytime my boss asks how I am, it seems like he doesn’t really care or listen.
Anytime my boss asks how I am, I will focus on what he actually cares about, which is the work he delegates to me as I’m the best person for the job. I’ll focus on what I’ve achieved.
Sometimes I wonder how any of this work helps move me forward professionally.
Each day, I’ll identify one thing I’m working on and imagine how I might represent this work as an achievement on my resumé.
Katie put these mental shifts into practice the next day. She wrote her new perspectives on sticky notes and put them all over her desk to remind her to change the negative perception into something that benefited her. Sometimes, she slipped back into old thoughts, but she quickly redirected her energy to the more uplifting point of view once she caught herself.
Katie continues to find the benefit in reframing her situation and is stacking her resumé for the next great opportunity that comes her way. She realizes that there are more lessons she can learn individually while she’s at her current company that will contribute to her professional growth and success.
Let’s take the story of Samuel.
Samuel had a dream of losing 80 pounds. For over a decade of his life, Samuel had been morbidly obese and his daily life was challening. He often found himself short of breath and the most basic tasks were very taxing. Samuel constantly felt embarrassed about his poor physical health and his appearance.
The pictures in his apartment seemed to taunt him, reminding him of days when he was in much better physical shape and felt to be in the prime of his life. He even had a girlfriend back then. He hadn’t dated since that time and his low self-esteem kept him from entertaining the idea of dating.
Samuel started every day the same. He woke up in a contradictory state. Simultaneously, Samuel felt trapped in the bloated body of a stranger, yet the experience of this entrapment was too familiar: something he had the displeasure of observing 365 days a year for at least half a decade. His day began with the sentiment of being split in two and not of being whole.
He then began the morning routine of shuffling to the bathroom, hyper aware of the jiggling sensation of his body – a feeling he never settled into. Samuel would turn on the bathroom light and hesitantly look in the mirror at himself, and the negative self-talk would begin. There wasn’t one nice thing he could say to himself as he brushed his teeth. It was a slew of critiques of his appearance, guilting himself about how he should do better to lose the weight, and shaming what he perceived to be a pathetic existence.
Then Samuel would then dress for the day. It was a ritual riddled with emotional torment. Ever since he had gained the weight, Samuel never found clothes that made him feel good about himself, and putting them on was like a ceremony of cementing him in the daily reality of being a flubbery, fat man. In the words of his mental chatter: “a single, nothing-going-for-me, nothing-to-offer, past my prime, unlovable, gross, fat man.”
Next was breakfast. Meal time was always a love/hate roller coaster Samuel craved and dreaded. It spun his mental state around in circles until he finished shoving the pastries of the morning into his mouth. For a brief moment, he would feel better.
That relief was rapidly replaced with shame about 10 minutes later. It was akin to someone suddenly slamming on the breaks. More negative self-talk. This was the cycle before and after most every meal he ate. In the rare event Samuel ate a healthier meal, the cycle was similar, except it was reversed. Instead of an initial high, he felt denied something he desperately wanted but after the meal concluded he didn’t feel guilty.
Samuel then got in his car – a tight squeeze of his large stomach fitting between the seat and the steering wheel. Samuel would reach down to the seat lever and try to push the seat back, but every time he was reminded that the seat was as far back from the steering wheel as it would go. Just that motion of reaching down and pulling on the seat lever was enough to make him lose his breath.
He’d go on to work. Work was alright for Samuel. It was nothing exciting but also nothing he felt the need to change. While he didn’t feel fulfilled in his desk job, he did particularly look forward to seeing one woman around the office building.
Sometimes they would cross paths at the lobby café or end up sharing an elevator ride. She was always dressed in colorful outfits that seemed like they could have been designed just for her. She had a demeanor that was authoritative, yet friendly. Samuel gathered that she worked for one of the law firms in the building based on some of the conversations he overheard her have with other people. Samuel saw the woman as smart, ambitious, and imagined she was excelling in life – and he was convinced that she was most certainly out of his league.
When Samuel arrived home at the end of the day, he changed out of his work clothes and watched television until bedtime, only taking a small break to eat his fast food dinner. There was no joy in his life except for the brief moments he saw the woman at work. One night, something made this stand out to Samuel. The thought persisted across a couple of days and Samuel couldn’t shake it.
Samuel became keenly aware of his desire to have more joy in his life. How can I change my life to have more of what I desire? Samuel didn’t know how to go about answering this profound question. After a few more days, he decided to put his intellect to use on solving it and focused on changing the daily things he knew were not bringing him joy.
His list looked something like this:
When I wake up in the morning, I feel as though I’m not a whole person. My body doesn’t feel like it’s mine.
When I wake up in the morning, I will remind myself that I am whole and that today is an opportunity to improve my relationship with my body.
When I look into the mirror, I talk poorly to myself. I start the day with negative self-talk, leading to suboptimal self-esteem. I tell myself that I’m “a single, nothing-going-for-me, nothing-to-offer, past my prime, unlovable, gross, fat man.”
When I look into the mirror, I will love who I see reflected back. I will hype myself up for the day by reminding myself I have a lot to offer, I have a lot of potential, I’m lovable, and I’m going to have one heck of a success story!
When I eat, I eat whatever I want. I don’t put thought into what’s healthy because I don’t want to give up the food I enjoy eating. It causes a cycle of pleasure then guilt which robs me of my health and joy.
When I eat meals, I will eat more balanced items and stay away from pastries and fast food. I will remind myself that change is hard, but this change is necessary and that I’ll feel better after I eat a healthier meal.
Samuel put these mental shifts into practice the next day. He wrote his new perspectives on sticky notes and put them all over his apartment to remind him to change the negative perception into something that benefited him. Sometimes, he slipped back into old thoughts, but he quickly redirected his energy to the more uplifting point of view once he caught himself.
Samuel continues to find the benefit in reframing his struggles and is making significant progress on experiencing more daily joy, including weight loss. He realizes that there are more lessons he can learn individually while he’s going through this journey that will contribute to his personal growth and success.
What is Reframing?
Reframing is a technique used to change the perspective of a challenging situation into one that is more optimistic and inspiring. It’s a tool that, when applied effectively, shifts you from a state of powerlessness to one of empowerment. Reframing is a tool often associated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), however, it can be beneficial to anyone looking to improve their outlook and handling of difficult situations – whether past, present, or future.
Think of reframing as moving yourself from the backseat of a moving car – not knowing where you’re going, to suddenly being in the driver’s seat and fully aware of your destination with more control on your journey there.
Common Pitfalls of Reframing
There are some common pitfalls when it comes to reframing that can cause some folks to quickly give up on this method.
The first common pitfall with reframing is not having enough practice with this technique. There’s not much you can do about lack of practice, afterall, it’s a new experience and new skills take time to develop. The best remedy for this is to be kind to yourself.
The second pitfall of reframing is not having enough patience. As mentioned previously, it will take time. Reframing is not something you need to do in a hurry, rather it should be a thoughtful process.
The third pitfall of reframing is lacking the discipline to stick with the practice. You will undoubtedly reframe a situation only to seemingly revert back to your original view of the situation in the heat of a given moment. That’s perfectly normal! You’ve already built the neural pathways of your original view of the given situation, so this is where kindness and patience, coupled with discipline to remind yourself of the reframe and commit to it comes into focus.
Increase Your Odds of Successful Reframing
If you’d like to increase your odds of success with reframing, the Emotional Empowerment App and quick course are an excellent tool to help you with this.
The course dives into reframing, among other CBT techniques, to help jump start your emotional empowerment journey. It’s a mini series designed to be completed in less than 35 days, with an average of 10 minutes of commitment per day.
You can get access to the Emotional Empowerment App and course here.
Ready to change your life? Become ridiculously emotionally-empowered with the app: emotionally-empowered.com.